I had a dream once.
And when it was time for me to give it up, I took it to the sea.
Whispered it into a prayer and put it high up into a cloud, as close as I could get it to God.
Wouldn’t you know, a fierce wind came off the water, took that cloud and carried it out of sight.
In only a moment, it was gone.
Farewell, until we meet again.
Into God’s hands, you go.
Lifted out of my care and far from my concern.
For, in His hands, our dreams reside.
He masters them, in the same way, He masters the winds and waves.
All for His Glory, and graciously in His timing, for our benefit.
– AVL
One
I had a sense that I was called to ministry early into my relationship with Jesus, I didn’t know what that meant, but I was convinced I would spend my life serving God with whatever gifts I had available to me. In my youth and spiritual immaturity, I assumed that meant I would be serving in some seemingly “big” way – maybe a missionary in a faraway country? Just in case, I decided to take Chinese language classes in college. I also considered serving as a college campus pastor. But instead, I was given the opportunity to be a mother. I learned how to love and serve my family. And, I was deeply loved in return. Those early years as a wife and mom were tremendously healing to me, and I grew in compassion and wisdom. Not long after becoming a mom, I began to serve the kids, moms, and women of our church. It was fitting, as my ministry reflected my season in life. When my boys were off to elementary school, God provided an opportunity for me to go back to school for biblical training, and I earned my ministry license. I joined my church staff as a part-time pastor. After several years of pastoral ministry, I prayerfully accepted an offer to join a church planting team in a city, two states away. My family joined me in this calling, and we have since given the past two years of our lives toward establishing this new church. During this time, I was ordained by my denominational leaders. I provided ministry to the children, teens, and adults of our congregation – teaching the Bible, providing spiritual care, and mentorship. Apart from birthing my 3 children, nurturing this new, young church has been one of my life’s greatest honors.
Two
But, that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. It’s been extremely difficult. In the past, I have always prided myself on being a team player, and often a “utility” player. Similar to utility players in a team sport, I’ve come to recognize I’m one of those people who can play a wide variety of roles with competency. I can fill in the gaps, allowing specialty players to focus on using their highly developed gifts to carry their team to success. But then, a couple of years ago I began to feel the desire to specialize. It started when I had an opportunity to visit Rome. One day, in particular, I spent hours upon hours appreciating the Vatican museums and art galleries. The art was the most beautiful I had ever seen, and the pieces inspired me at the deepest level. I was humbled as I came to understand those master artists had dedicated their entire careers to produce art pieces that both glorified God and illuminated the scriptures for all of humanity. And, before producing these pieces, they had worked for decades to develop their gifts into skills of the highest level. They had left a legacy for many generations to come. I knew the gift I felt called to develop had to do with communicating, teaching, and writing. For a long time, I have known I have a story to tell. At the age of 42, I was beginning to worry I had waited too long! I’m on the verge of 44 now, and I know I can’t delay any longer.
Three
So, how does this affect my current pastoral role at our church? Well, I have many thoughts as to what might have been. But, that’s not how things work. We deal with “what is” and make our decisions prayerfully and accordingly. Out of respect for my friends and ministry team, I’ve come to determine now is the time to take a break – an indefinite break from ministry and my role as a pastor. This affords me the opportunity to develop my gifts and my leadership absence frees up opportunities for others to serve. I believe my obedience in this regard will strengthen our church for long-term sustainability. And, I’m thankful we can and will continue to call Mosaic Chapel our home.
Four
This brings me to the threshold of a new season in my life. I’m excited for the opportunities ahead, but I find myself constantly battling with doubt. I suffer through moments of intense grief – losing my identity as a pastor and yielding my role as a shepherd of our church. I worry I’m throwing away years of experience and training. But, I can’t imagine a future where I’m not writing. I know I will shrivel away to nothing if I’m not given a chance to express the story that’s within me, trying to bang it’s way out. So, the only thing I can do is walk into this season with no expectations for greatness, but with great anticipation knowing it’s God who is leading me forward. This is the same way he has always led me – one season at a time. And, of course, I’m thankful to my family and dearest friends who have listened and prayed as I have come to this decision over the course of many months.
I say today, just as I have said for the past 26 years of walking with Him:
“All I have to give, I give to you, Jesus. I am yours.”
-Angela.